What should I do? (3)

“Sure… There might have been a better way.”

“…”

“It’s not necessarily about sacrificing the people of the clan, as the Lord mentioned. There must have been. The best path that everyone could be satisfied with.”

Tang Gunak looked at Chung Myung.

Perhaps, deep down, he hoped for some consolation. Or maybe, at the very least, a sharp reprimand wouldn’t have been unwelcome. But Chung Myung didn’t offer any comfort or reprimand. He simply acknowledged it.

“So it’s difficult.”

“…What do you mean?”

“Because there is ‘the best’ option. No matter what choice you make, there will be something wrong. Perhaps… there could have been an opportunity to make a choice that doesn’t lead to any regrets.”

However, Chung Myung didn’t bother to add that humans ultimately cannot achieve that. He knew it would hold no significance for Tang Gunak right now.

“But what can we do? The deed is done, and holding onto it won’t change anything. All we can do is to carry the burden of our actions and move forward step by step, however we can.”

“Is that how you see it?”

Chung Myung’s response didn’t come. Tang Gunak closed his eyes for a moment.

He had always thought highly of Chung Myung. Whether as a person or as a martial artist, there was no denying Chung Myung’s greatness. Perhaps, in the eyes of the world, Tang Gunak was the one who evaluated Chung Myung the highest.

But in this moment, Tang Gunak realized that even such high esteem fell short of acknowledging the path Chung Myung had walked.

How could that be?

Hwasan was a sect which foundation had all crumbled entirely, leaving nothing but ruin. How could one not feel disheartened seeing such a sect fall?

Even the current state of the Tang clan, surviving amidst turmoil, is better off than Hwasan of a few years ago. With the deaths of all Tang clan’s warriors and elders, including Tang Gunak, and only younger generations who hadn’t properly learned martial arts barely surviving, that situation could barely be compared to that of Hwasan’s back then.

Yet, even in such dire circumstances, Hwasan has been revived.

Shouldn’t Tang Gunak take solace in that fact?

“If it were you…”

Finally, Tang Gunak, opening his eyes, looked at Chung Myung and spoke.

“If you were the head of the Tang clan now, it would be better off than with me.”

“…”

“You would be able to lift the Tang clan back onto the pedestal without a single hesitation. Because that’s the kind of person you are.”

Upon hearing those words, Chung Myung smiled faintly.

“You think so?”

“To be honest, yes.”

“Do you really see me as someone who came this far without wavering?”

Chung Myung tilted his head. His eyes were filled with the sky as if it was pouring down upon him.

Tang Gunak said that the countless stars felt like the eyes of his ancestors. What would those stars look like to Chung Myung now?

“If I truly were the person the Lord described… If I never looked back on the past, never doubted the choices I made, and firmly believed that what I did was the best, even for the things I’ve already done…”

A bitter smile formed on Chung Myung’s lips after a moment of silence.

“…I would have very much liked it. Yes, then I suppose I wouldn’t have any wishes either.”

Chung Myung knows. Even if the whole world believes he is like that, it’s not his true self.

“But you…”

“Unfortunately, I’m not that kind of person. Instead, I cling to the past that left long ago, endlessly doubting the choices I’ve made, and lose sleep over things I’ve already done wrong.”

Taken aback by his unexpected words, Tang Gunak stared at Chung Myung intently.

“Even now?”

“Yes. Even now.”

Suddenly, a question crossed Tang Gunak’s mind. It was a question that shouldn’t be brought up in this situation. No, perhaps it shouldn’t be asked even in such circumstances.

But Tang Gunak couldn’t help but voice it in the end.

“Do you… regret going to Hainan?”

Chung Myung remained silent, simply gazing up at the sky. It was a colorless silence, but within it lay countless answers.

“Well…”

After a moment, Chung Myung shrugged.

“I suppose I should give an answer to avoid any misunderstandings… Yes, I do regret it.”

“…”

“But if I were to go back to the past, I would still go to Hainan.”

Tang Gunak’s pupils trembled slightly.

“So I would end up making the same mistake and regretting it again. Like an idiot.”

“…Why is that?”

“Are you different, Lord Tang?”

As the question was turned to him, Tang Gunak fell silent.

“You’ve all experienced it. And now you’re lamenting the consequences of that decision. If you could go back just one day, what orders would you give? Would you tell everyone to defend the estate, the poisons, and the workshop, even if it means everyone dies?”

Tang Gunak couldn’t answer.

He is realizing it now. What he has lost. What the Tang clan has lost. And how much harder the road ahead will be for Sichuan Tang Clan.

But even so, he couldn’t answer that he would make a different decision. He could only remain silent.

“It won’t be any different.”

“…”

“You, Lord, are the same. You’ll regret, despair, curse the terrible choices you’ve made, and yet you’ll make the same choice again. And then you’ll regret and despair like a fool once more.”

Tang Gunak’s hand trembled slightly. He couldn’t deny that.

“No one can escape it. If I had known this is what it means to be the head…”

“Everyone is the same.”

Chung Myung cut Tang Gunak’s words sharply.

“It’s not because you’re the head of the family. It’s just a matter of scale. Everyone makes choices and lives with them. It’s about making the choice to let go of what you hold in your hand. We all weigh and consider the things we don’t want to lose but must. That’s how people wear down.”

That’s how numbness sets in. At first, it’s as painful as tearing off your own flesh, but eventually, it becomes as mild as stripping away calluses.

Those who remain here simply haven’t become numb yet. They haven’t fully washed away the sorrow as time had passed.

“How do we move forward?”

Desperation overflowed in Tang Gunak’s eyes.

“How can someone who regrets everything, despairs of everything, and has been worn down by each individual thing move forward? How… How can one not be afraid of making choices again?”

Chung Myung’s lips curved into a bitter smile.

“In reverse, I suppose.”

“…Reverse?”

“Not without fear, not boldly, not with unwavering resolve…”

Chung Myung’s eyelashes trembled.

“We move forward because losing everything is too terrifying, so we move forward to lose a little less. If we just sit down in that spot, all that’s left are endless losses.”

The bitter voice echoed across the tranquil field.

“Perhaps everyone is the same. Those who seem to accomplish remarkable feats in the eyes of others are often the ones who fear what others aren’t afraid of. Those who see further ahead are the ones who fear what others aren’t afraid of yet.”

“…”

“Those who achieve something remarkable… they’re probably all the same.”

Tang Gunak, who had been listening absentmindedly, laughed out loud for a moment.

“The people the world calls heroes… may actually have been terrible cowards.”

“It’s strange, isn’t it?”

“Not really. If someone else said that, it might have seemed strange, but… if it’s you, it’s not strange at all.”

The one who achieves seemingly impossible feats despite being such a fearful person is none other than the young man before him.

A mere coward who frets about things others aren’t worried about and tries to step forward somehow.

“So, Hwasan Geomhyeop.”

“Yes, Lord Tang.”

“In that case, what should I be afraid of?”

Tang Gunak’s gaze returned to the sky. The stars still felt heavy, as if weighing down his shoulders.

“I’m not as remarkable as you to worry about the future, nor am I a meticulous person who anticipates the thing that others don’t worry about. Right now, I’m just… afraid of everything in the world.”

It was a faintly trembling and unsteady voice, quite unlike the Tang Gunak everyone knew.

“Your words are both right and wrong. At least you know what you should fear the most. But I can’t even be a coward like you. I’m just… afraid of everything.”

“…”

“So, Hwasan Geomhyeop. Answer me. What should I fear?”

At that, Chung Myung looked at Tang Gunak and asked.

“Is that a question from Tang Gunak, the individual, or from the head of the Tang clan?”

Tang Gunak couldn’t answer immediately. Then Chung Myung said.

“If it’s a question from Tang Gunak as a person, since it’s not your responsibility anyway, I’d say just forget about unnecessary worries and get some sleep.”

“That’s harsh in a different sense.”

“And if it’s a question from the head of the Tang clan, you shouldn’t be asking me.”

Tang Gunak smiled bitterly. It seemed to imply that it was a problem he should contemplate alone. As he was about to nod in acknowledgment, Chung Myung raised his hand and pointed to the sky.

“Ask them.”

“…”

“To those who are watching over the Lord of the clan.”

Countless stars, countless eyes. The ancestors who had protected the Tang clan for generations were now looking down at him. But no matter how much he looked up to them for answers, they remained silent, merely observing.

The answer Tang Gunak sought came not from the sky, but from beside him. A small voice tinged with regret resonated clearly in his ears.

“Why was the Tang clan created?”

“…What do you mean?”

“Why did the ancestors, who made the Tang clan into a martial arts clan and taught their descendants how to live, do such things?”

Sichuan was once scorned in the Central Plains.

In such a place, when the city of Chengdu in Sichuan had not yet taken shape, the ancestors of the Tang clan established a sanctuary where all those with the Tang surname could live together.

They taught people how to train themselves and how to defend their bodies with poison. And they urged them to continue these methods forever.

Why?

Tang Gunak’s eyes widened slightly. It seemed as though the stars were about to pour down upon him.

“There may be no answer. The dead cannot answer. But… If they could answer now, they would surely say something like this.”

Chung Myung spoke up.

With his voice, but imbued with the will of someone else.

⁃ They don’t even know what’s important.

“It’s not the poison that’s important.”

⁃ Protecting the means for the sake of the purpose, only to have the means devour the purpose now? Foolish bastards.

“Even poison, even hidden weapons, are merely means.”

⁃ Hyeong-nim, I feel sorry. Everything crafted for the clan now tightens its noose around the clan’s neck. Where did the intentions of the people who first founded the Tang clan go?

“If those means hinder the Tang clan, they are worthless.”

⁃ What’s important.

“What’s important.”

– How the descendants of the Tang clan can live happier lives, isn’t that it? If they obstruct that, then poisons, martial arts, even the laws of the clan, they’re all just trifling obstacles.

“That’s what the ancestors wanted to convey to you. Just…”

Chung Myung closed his eyes. It was the message he needed to deliver. The words he had to convey. But those words were reaching Chung Myung as well. The words flowing from his mouth became the voice of Tang Bo, the voice of the ancestors, and the voice of the lost ones…

“…Be happy…”

Tears welled up in Chung Myung’s eyes. It felt like someone was placing a hand on his shoulder. So, he couldn’t bring himself to turn around. The words that had been unable to be conveyed for so long, the words that hadn’t reached their destination despite being spoken, finally descended upon Chung Myung’s shoulders, transcending over a hundred years.