I can’t afford to lose it. (6)

Baek Cheon found himself at a loss for words.

‘Heo Gong Jinin…’

The sight of Heo Gong’s noticeably gaunt face, now wearing a gentle smile, left Baek Cheon visibly flustered.

‘How could I…’

He had heard the news – how Heo Gong had made a difficult decision to save his life.

Though they had softened the details to avoid shocking him, someone like Baek Cheon could easily grasp the full meaning behind it.

Yet, despite knowing all this, Baek Cheon hadn’t thought to seek out Heo Gong to express his gratitude. He had pretended otherwise, but in truth, he had been so consumed by his own situation that he had forgotten even the most basic courtesy.

Realizing this, Baek Cheon’s face flushed red with embarrassment. 

“I-I’m sorry…”

In his haste to apologize, Baek Cheon tried to move quickly, but he lost his balance and stumbled. Heo Gong reached out and gently steadied him by the shoulder.

“Be careful.”

“Ah…”

“If you were to fall and die here… wouldn’t people cast suspicious glances at me for being with you? I’m not confident I could handle Hwasan’s wrath.”

His tone was soft, laced with a touch of humor. There was a calm ease in his words. The embarrassment in Baek Cheon’s eyes deepened further.

“Wouldn’t you agree?”

Heo Gong repeated the question with a smile, and only then did Baek Cheon finally calm down, clearing his throat awkwardly. Though a bit late, he bowed respectfully to Heo Gong.

“I’ve heard that you saved my life. I was foolish, and my gratitude is overdue. Please, forgive my lack of manners.”

“Forgive…”

Heo Gong softly echoed the word before breaking into a gentle smile.

“Aren’t we Taoists?”

“…Pardon?”

“I simply followed where my heart led me. There’s no need for thanks in the first place. So why would forgiveness be necessary?”

“…”

“Have a seat. Today, I’m giving you the privilege of sitting in my favorite spot.”

Baek Cheon nodded and carefully sat down. Shortly after, Heo Gong, as if it were nothing, casually seated himself beside him.

Silence settled between them. With the guilt weighing on Baek Cheon’s heart, he found it difficult to start any conversation.

As the silence stretched on, Baek Cheon, unable to bear the awkwardness any longer, was about to speak up. But Heo Gong spoke first.

“Isn’t it quite a view?”

“…Yes?”

Baek Cheon looked ahead again, somewhat taken aback.

…Well, perhaps a few days ago, he might have agreed with Heo Gong’s words. But now, it felt like an odd expression. To call a landscape marked by charred mountains a good view… it felt strange.

“Don’t you think so?”

When Heo Gong asked again, a slightly awkward smile tugged at the corners of Baek Cheon’s lips.

“I suppose so, but…”

“You don’t really think so, do you?”

In the end, Baek Cheon forced a bitter smile.

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize. We just see things differently, that’s all.”

“…”

“Of course, the surface looks rather grim… But, the burnt trees and grass aren’t the essence of this mountain, are they?”

Baek Cheon’s eyes filled with confusion. Seeing his puzzled expression, Heo Gong gave a brief smile.

“If the trees on this mountain were replaced by different ones, would it no longer be Wudang?”

“…What?”

“Or let’s say that all the trees on this mountain suddenly disappeared one day. Would it then cease to be Mount Wudang?”

“…”

“I don’t think so.”

Heo Gong’s voice was calm.

“In the end, Wudang refers to the character of these mountains. That’s why people call it Wudang, whether in the differing seasons of spring and summer, or in the contrasting times of autumn and winter.”

Baek Cheon stared at Heo Gong for a moment, lost in thought.

A complex feeling stirred within him.

The Heo Gong that Baek Cheon remembered was a much more rigid and sharp person. He was the kind of man who seemed like he’d sleep with a sword in his arms, someone others wouldn’t dare approach easily.

But the person sitting before him now felt completely different from the Heo Gong he once knew. If he exaggerated a bit, it was as if only the face remained the same, while an entirely different person occupied that seat.

“Dojang…”

Baek Cheon, who had a rough idea of the reasons behind this change, let out a long, deep sigh.

“I’m sorry. It’s because of me.”

“You’re making me repeat myself. That’s not a good habit.”

“But…”

“I used to love this place. No, to be precise, I once loved it. Coming here made me feel like my chest was opening up, like I could breathe easier.”

Baek Cheon thought he understood. Perhaps that’s why he himself had instinctively climbed up to this spot.

Heo Gong’s gaze drifted up, past the mountains and fields, towards the distant sky.

“There was a time when I believed I could reach the highest place in the world.”

“…”

“No, to be exact, I felt I had to reach it. And I was certain I had the talent to do so.”

Baek Cheon nodded silently.

“Sect Leader always said it. That Heo Gong must lead Wudang to become the greatest sect under heaven, and that he must become the undisputed best swordsman in the world. And that he had the ability to achieve it.”

Heo Gong had been a prodigy, carrying the full weight of Wudang’s expectations, even if not to the same extent as Shaolin’s Hye Yeon. It was only natural for him to aspire to the highest position under heaven.

“I, too, believed those words without a doubt. Yes, until I met your Sajil.”

A sigh escaped Baek Cheon’s lips involuntarily.

“That’s…”

“Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not trying to blame anyone. It’s just… I came to a realization. That I cannot reach that height.”

Baek Cheon’s face stiffened.

“Do you understand? For some reason, I had been living solely to reach that height. The entire value of my life was tied to it. But then… that day, I suddenly understood. I would never become the best swordsman under heaven.”

“Dojang…”

“After realizing that, I found myself asking what value my life had now that I had lost my purpose.”

Heo Gong gave a brief smile.

But Baek Cheon caught a glimpse of sharp pain in that fleeting smile. It was a pain he could recognize because it resembled the despair that gripped him now and refused to let go.

“Though not anymore.”

“…Not anymore? So you’re saying you’re not longing for it anymore?”

“That’s right.”

At that moment, something stirred inside Baek Cheon. It was a feeling entirely different from admiration or awe.

“Are you truly saying that?”

Baek Cheon asked again. Heo Gong, who was about to answer calmly, hesitated for a moment and turned to look at Baek Cheon. He noticed the somewhat peculiar tone in Baek Cheon’s voice.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Is it just an excuse?”

“Vice Sect Leader.”

Baek Cheon bit his lip hard.

His rational mind knew this wasn’t right. The man before him had given up his martial arts for Baek Cheon’s sake. He was, quite literally, a benefactor.

Moreover, Baek Cheon owed him his life, a debt that could never be taken lightly. His current words and actions were entirely out of line with what was proper.

But despite knowing all this, he couldn’t hold back.

“I’m not trying to belittle your enlightenment. I’m sure you’ve attained a great realization. But… even so, there is one thing I must ask.”

“And what is that?”

“Would you still say the same if you hadn’t lost it?”

Heo Gong fell silent for a moment, seemingly taken aback.

Baek Cheon, struggling to suppress his own impulses, kept biting his lip, but there was no way to stop the dam of emotions that had already burst.

The emotions, now out of control, flowed beyond his ability to manage.

“Would you have said the same thing before you were defeated? What if you still had hope? Do you think you would have eventually come to that conclusion anyway? Or are you just deceiving yourself, pretending to be detached because you’ve already lost it, because you know you can never regain it?”

Baek Cheon’s face twisted more and more.

It wasn’t anger he felt – it was disgust. Disgust for himself, for spitting out such words at his benefactor. A deep self-loathing surged from within him.

“Those who have wealth never dismiss gold as worthless. They know its value. But those who have nothing often claim that gold is nothing at all. It’s easier to diminish the value of something you can never attain because it brings peace of mind. Isn’t that right? Can you truly say that’s not what you’re doing?”

Baek Cheon’s voice grew increasingly agitated. His trembling lips and lost, wandering eyes clearly showed that he was in the throes of deep confusion.

“If you had the chance to regain what you’ve lost, to reclaim your martial arts and return to your former self! Would you still say the same thing you’re saying now? Could you really do that? Could you, truly?”

“Vice Sect Leader…”

“What is a true Taoist?”

Bloodshot eyes stared at Heo Gong, and Baek Cheon’s desperate shout echoed through the mountains of Wudang.

“Is a Taoist someone who simply has no desires? Is it someone who, when they fall while running, just laughs it off and says, ‘I was only meant to go this far’? Is it someone who thinks everything is resolved as long as they claim to follow the Tao, no matter what happens? What the hell…!”

Baek Cheon’s frail hands shook violently. Heo Gong could only watch him with eyes full of pity.

Baek Cheon panted heavily for a while, then closed his eyes. His eyelashes quivered with helpless sorrow.

“I have never aimed for the heavens… I never did.”

“…”

“I just…”

Baek Cheon’s head slowly drooped.

“I just…”

His voice faded away, like a candle burning out. Heo Gong, who had been silently watching him, stood up. He turned his gaze towards the distant sky and spoke.

“What is a true Taosit…”

Heo Gong repeated Baek Cheon’s question to himself, letting out a short sigh.

“You’re right. Now that I think about it, you’ve hit the mark. I’ve been acting as if I knew it all. As if our pains weren’t different.”

“…”

“I was the one who was rude. Forgive me.”

With these final words, Heo Gong turned to leave.

Baek Cheon flinched and lifted his head, watching Heo Gong’s figure retreating down the mountain.

He needed to say something. Anything.

“Dojang…”

He needed to apologize – for the rudeness he had shown just moments ago, for the foolishness of his actions.

But at that moment, Heo Gong’s voice reached him. There was not a trace of disappointment or anger in it.

“What was your dream?”

Baek Cheon couldn’t easily answer and instead stared blankly at Heo Gong’s back.

“Perhaps you wanted to make Hwasan the greatest sect under heaven, to become an outstanding Sect Leader, and maybe even to gain a bit of personal honor. Maybe you wanted to live a life of giving after achieving all that. Or perhaps you were pursuing some value I can’t even imagine. But, you see…”

Heo Gong’s voice, still without turning around, slowly penetrated Baek Cheon’s ears.

“What were you planning to do after you achieved all that?”

Heo Gong paused and slightly turned his head to glance back.

Baek Cheon couldn’t bring himself to meet those calm, deep eyes and lowered his head. He turned away.

“Maybe what you need right now is the answer to that question.”

Heo Gong started walking again, descending the mountain. He was faintly limping. The remnants of his injuries hadn’t fully healed. He had dragged himself all the way here, thinking Baek Cheon might be here.

Baek Cheon, feeling oddly despondent and dizzy, closed his eyes tightly.

When he opened them again, all he saw was the clear, cloudless sky stretching out before him.

‘I am…’

He let out a bitter laugh with his hoarse voice.

‘The worst kind of person.’

As he bowed his head, a tear formed at the corner of his eye, a dull, sorrowful drop that lingered sadly.